LiLy'S Diary | ６years ago

LiLy プロフィール: コラムニスト／作家
1981年11月21日生まれ
神奈川県出身
上智大学外国語学部卒
2004年 J-WAVE
ナビゲーターオーディション優勝

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New ! 小説『空とシュウ』: 周囲との軋轢の中で自分の感情を持て余す少女が、もがきながら女に成長していく過程を描いた青春小説。（小学館） » Check!

New ! 小説『グリーンライト』: 平成の東京・渋谷で生きる男たちの心の機微を鮮やかに描いた物語。（小学館） » Check!

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エッセイ『さいごのおとこ』: 「ねぇ、結婚ってなに？」10年前に恋をした”さいしょのおとこ”はとっくに消えた。20代後半に突入した私たちの、ガールズトーク。（講談社） » 詳細をみる

エッセイ『おとこのつうしんぼ』: ”死んじゃいそうな寂しさ”から女を救えるのは、男だけ。（講談社） » 詳細をみる

エッセイ『Tokyo Dream』: 信じ続けているだけで夢が叶うほど、現実はやさしくなんかない。私は”夢見る現実主義者”となり、東京で、旅を続けた。（幻冬舎） » 詳細をみる

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Check LiLy on Mixi !!

６years ago

BACK IN THE　1999・・・

６年前、貴方は何してた？

今週のSOULTRAINは、99年から現在までのHIT TUNEを、
一年ごとに振り返ろうスペシャル！
月曜の今日は、1999年のHITメドレーやりました！
私はもう、
喋りながら、懐かしくって、嬉しくって、はしゃいじゃいました。

「だんご三兄弟」
「しろがねーぜ」
「勝ち組・負け組」
なんて言葉が流行った年。

宇多田ひかるの「AUTOMATIC」の年！！！！！

16から18まで、フロリダのSt.PeterSBURGという街に留学していたから、
今日かかった曲、
全て全て、リアルタイムでフロリダのラジオで聴いていたな。
フェイクIDで、クラブに通ってこの曲たちで踊ってたな。

だから、当時の記憶、想い、感情、匂い、全てが蘇ってきちゃった！
（音楽ってすごいよ！）

あたしは、17歳でした。
（18歳の年だけど、11月生まれなのでほとんど17歳。）

「あたしはオトナよ」
「あたしはオンナよ」
　と随分いきがってたな。
（そのイキガリは現在進行形だけど・・・汗）

その年は、私が初めて男の人を”愛してる”って思った年。
初愛だった。

17歳の夏、一時帰国した日本で出会った、５歳上の男の人。
もう、大好きで大好きで、息が出来ないくらい、胸一杯に恋してた。
何を隠そう、初体験の相手。
私が勝手に大好きになって、
ストレートに想いをぶつけていて、
やっと、両想いになれたかな？
ってところで、
私はまたフロリダに帰らなくちゃいけなかった。

”付き合う”という形にもなっていないのに、
１年間、ずっと私は遠距離恋愛してたんだよね。

その頃は、MAILもそんなに普及していなくって、
彼に毎日手紙を書いていて、
彼からの手紙は、たまにしかこなくって、
いつも夕方、家の前で体育座りして、
郵便屋さんのおじさんを待っていた。

おじさんも、私の事情を知っていて、
「ごめんね。彼から、まだ来ないよ・・・」
って悲しそうな顔をしてくれた。

おじさんが、走ってきて、
「彼からﾌﾟﾚｾﾞﾝﾄが届いたよ！！！」
って大声で叫んでくれたこともあった。

ほとんど毎日、泣いてた。
会いたくて、寂しくて、苦しくて、切なくて。

「遠距離なんて、無理」
って言う人も多いけど、

自らの意思で遠距離恋愛をするわけじゃなくて、
好きになった人と、
たまたま離れて暮らす羽目になっちゃったってだけ。

遠距離で、会えないから、好きになるのやめよう。
そんなことが出来たら、恋愛じゃないんだよ。
コントロール可能な感情なんて、恋でも愛でもない。

ここでは書けない色んなことがあった。

結局、１年後、私が日本に帰ってきても、
その人と付き合うことにはならなかった。
それからも随分、引きずったな。

６YEARS HAVE PASSED・・・

彼は、今は結婚して女の子のお父さんみたいだよ。
もう会うことも話すこともない人だけど、幸せを祈ってる。

私は、今の彼と幸せです。

「永遠」って本気でココロの底から思った恋愛も、
こうして消えていく。
それは、分かりたくなかった現実。
でも、事実。

失恋した人、遠恋中の人、彼との関係で悩んでいる人、
色んな人から相談メールを頂きました。ありがとう。

どんなときも、
好きな人との関わりももちろん大事なんだけど、
「自分」ときちんと向き合って、
大事にしてあげて、
「自分」と真剣に付き合うことが何より大事だって思うんだ、最近。

だって、これから6年後も、何十年後も、
自分が自分と別れることだけは絶対にないんだから！！

「自分のことみたいに彼のことを想える」
って本当に素敵な想いだけれど、
「DON'T LOVE NIGGA MORE THAN YOUR SELF!」
（訳：男を自分のこと以上に愛しちゃ駄目！）
ってFOXY BROWNはラップしてるよ。笑
それも一理あるって思う。

| 06:33 | comments(220) | trackbacks(19) | Posted by : LiLy

ちょうどりりーちゃんに遠恋の相談してたとこだったからなんかすごい心に響きました。あたしも年上の人を好きになって付き合ってその人の子供の面倒もみるってきめたときにふられちゃったことがあった。別れ話をしてるときずっと彼のヘッドフォンからはmy booが流れてて今でも聞くとやっぱり悲しくなる。音楽は写真よりもリアルに思い出がよみがえるよね。すっごい同感。。えんきょりはやっぱりきついよ。そばにいたらちょっと寄り添ってごめんねっていえることでもなかなか言えなかったり。今から思い出の曲特集、PCでつくろーっと♪

| ゆうき | 2005/09/20 11:41 AM |

高校生LILYちゃん、きゃわいい!!

そして今回の日記は思うところ盛り沢山。

遠距離恋愛で、距離に負けてしまうとしたら、やはりそれは心に距離があるからだよね。会いたくて、触れたくて切ない日もあるけど・・・。

そして、「永遠に好きだ」と思っても、自分の気持ちも、相手の気持ちも変わることがある。悲しいけど。。。最近私は自分も相手もそうなってしまったのでよりリアルに感じます。本当に、悲しく切ないことだけどしょうがない。
でも、だからこそ「好き」と思える瞬間と、その瞬間を相手と共有する事が出来るという事実がより一層愛しいのかもね。

そして。一生別れられない、自分を自分が一番愛してないと!と言うのも同感。やっぱりそうじゃないと、誰かときちんと向き合えないんだよね。
うーん、深いわ。

LILYちゃん、本当に素敵な女性です。

| みかん | 2005/09/20 6:37 PM |

LiLyさん☆What's Up!!
最近カレとの関係の事でmailさせて頂きましたReggaeDancer（仮）NAHOです。

６年前、私は中学生で･･･LiLyさんと同じく留学してました。。
ていっても中学生だったので、長期休暇を使っての１ヶ月間の短期留学でした。
私の留学先はNZのクライストチャーチ。
初めての海外で、初めてのひとり旅。初めてのホームステイ。
何から何まで初めてのコトだらけで、毎日必死にNZを生きてたなぁと思います･･･。
まだガキんちょでBlackmusicにあまり縁の無かった当時の私は、スパイスガールズやハンソン（３人兄弟の･･･懐かしい）なんかをホームステイ宅で聴いていました。
今でもこれらをドコかで耳にすると、NZの広大な大地がみるみる蘇ってきて･･音楽の持つpowerって凄いですね。

それから４年後。オトトシの夏に今度はボランティアで韓国に行きました。
またもひとり旅。泊まるとこも決めずにブッ飛んで、カナリ色んな経験をしました(^^;
が･･･この旅はNZと違って純粋に・心の底から楽しめなかった！
毎日、日本に居るカレの事ばかり考えてしまって。。心ココに在らずって感じで。
旅の折り返し日で１度だけ彼に電話をして、彼の声を聞いてすごーく安心して、切った後に公衆電話の前で大泣き。。
なんて情けない女になってしまったんだろうと思いました。彼のいない自分だけの生活を楽しめない自分がいる。LiLyさんのいう様、自分との人生は一生なのに･･･。

この間、mailで相談させてもらったこと。まずは「自分」と向き合おうと思い、本能の趣くままに過ごしてます。そーしてるとやっぱりDanceを欲してる自分がいて･･･。自ずと答えは見えてくるんじゃないかな～と思います。

LiLyさんに相談した事で、すこし「自分」に正直になれた気がします。Nuff Respect!!
しっかりとこれからのコト見えてきたら又mailさせてクダサイっm(_ _)m☆
LiLyさんの頑張り☆応援してます！

P･S
FOXYが
「DON'T LOVE NIGGA MORE THAN YOUR SELF!」
ってラップしてる曲は、album「broken silence」に入ってますか？機会があったら是非聴いてみたいので..♪

| ＮＡＨＯ | 2005/09/21 4:09 PM |

ソーソー！音も臭いも当時の｢甘酸っぱい？青春」の感情をよみがえらせてくれるわよね～↑全部共感してしまったよ！どんナに好きでも絶対とか永遠なんてないもん。一生自分は付きまとうわけだから向き合わないとねん！

６年前か～私もね、当時「オートマチック」のレコードを予約したまま渡米しちゃって、彼にとりに行かせたよ（爆）
パフダディの曲がＭＴＶでかかりまくってて～夜中に学生寮を抜け出して、バーで踊り狂い食べて飲んでたら～立派なブタになった（苦笑）団子３兄弟が日本で流行ってるの聞いて「団子食べてぇっ」て思ってたし。懐かスウィ～。

６年前に「今からじゃ遅いでしょ！」と思っていた事も続けてればカタチになったんじゃないかなって思う。六年後も同じ事いいそうだから、行動あるのみだね！又、踊るか～（四捨五入で３０だけどね）

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